Some people think that guilt is the worst feeling in the world.

They're wrong.

Inadequacy.

THAT is the worst feeling in the world.

And I get to just wait.

Among these summer months comes the rare night in a southern state where the temperature is just right and the breeze is playful enough that you can open all of your windows and let the air move around you as you sleep. It's a wonderful feeling.

April showers bring May...

flowers.  It's finally my birthday month!!! woohooo!
This summer is going to be full of fun and work and just being a college kid, and boy I tell you, I just cannot wait.  I'm officially done with my Spring 2010 semester in 3 days!!! Ahhhh it feels sooo good!  I have a lot to do in 3 days, but it's going to be worth it.

Speaking of worth it...I've decided I am. I've decided I'm awesome. And that is that.

Sweetness in Starlight

Fallin' asleep
To the sound of stars
Shooting 'round the moon
But I can't watch them fly tonight, baby
I'm too busy watchin' you.

I guess your smile is the sun's way
Of lighting up what's dark
So shine, shine, shine for me baby
It only takes a spark

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

And there's nothing under these bright stars
That could bring this night to ruin
So hold on tightly to me baby
Because tonight's gonna end too soon

And you're touch is potent medicine
Knocks me out with just one shot
I've never seen such strong elixir, baby
Fixes all that I'm not
You fix all that I'm not, yeah.

Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the day sighs
Sweetness in starlight
Sweetness 'til the sun rise

I'm holding so tightly, baby
I won't let you go.
________________________________________

^Sweetness in Starlight by Matt Wertz.

I absolutely adore that song, it chills me out even when the lyrics aren't necessarily holding true at the moment, that's completely beside the point.
I keep looking forward to the end of this particular semester. Why? I'm not really sure.  I have a lot to do before May comes, yes, true. But I'm taking a summer course during these hot, humid months of ours, and working almost full time too, so it's not like I'm getting a full break anyway.  I guess I'm just ready to start over.
That's not really possible though, is it?  I'm just going to keep on keeping on and whatever comes from my life comes. I wish I could erase some things, but I keep reminding myself to learn from it and consciously make it go away. And I truly believe that eventually it will.  'Starting over' is a good thing. And starting over with something (or someone) new is even better.  This could be too soon...I don't care right now though.  I've hit a point in my life where I'm ready to jump.  That may not always be the wisest thing to do, but I'm ready..... I think....I just want to feel solid and sure. And happy. It's been a while.

Time...

I've never blogged before...so we'll see how this goes. I have a feeling this will turn into my "random thoughts space". You Have Been Warned.

Recently it's been made more and more clear to me exactly how prevalent time is. We use it to measure how long we have been doing something, how long since we've been doing something, how long until we start doing something, etc. Now you're thinking "Duh Allie! Point please?"
Well to someone who's trying to heal, time itself is very much the point. For any traditional injury (broken bone, skinned up knee, etc.) we get a time frame on how long it will take to heal: 10 weeks, 10 days..whatever the case may be. For broken emotions, broken heart, broken spirit, there's no such time frame, nor can anyone fabricate one out of thin air. "It just takes time." If I had a penny for every time I've heard that over the past month...well..I'd have a lot of pennies. I feel like time has gone by extraordinarily fast and the amount of healing that's taken place in that time frame has not been monumental. It has happened in small portions, yes. But I think self-esteem and self-worth take more time than anyone would prefer to bounce back from something like that. I hate that I gave up that power. I really do. And it's wholly and completely unfair that the next person(s) who comes along should have to pay for that. But I can't pretend to go back to the naivety and trust in human compassion that existed before, that's irreplaceable.

This is not meant to be something sad or morose..although I guess that's practically the only way you could feel after reading that. This is my starting point. I'm beginning again with a new application on trust and dignity in general, self respect and given authority, power and lack thereof.
And here...we...go.